Thursday, 7 October 2010

poetry & cheerful reasons

Its national Poetry Day so I thought I would share a couple of recently scribbled musings and then I came up up with a list for a magazine article recently 'Reasons to be cheerful' and thought maybe you would like to read it too :)

Written a couple of weeks ago whilst gazing accross Morecambe Bay very early one morning.

Morecambe bay journey

Whilst cockle pickers flick salty molluscs from watery cracks & distant mountains cast lonely authority over this ancient muddy wasteland.
Behind me sits the chaos of a world in brick built regularity, in front of me the wilderness in random, ordered singularity.
Behind me the past, in front of me the future, should I advance or retreat, conquer or be conquered, make a stand or take my seat?
The decision is simple, the route unknown, but my strength is certain because my destination is home!


Like rose petals fallen pon a glassy pond,
Your sweet eyes soften and sweeten my world.
Like sunlight falling into icy depths,
Your smile is the moonlight melting my night.
Like jewelled armour your your strength is your tribute.
Your beauty is your spirit, your laugh and your kiss.


Reasons to be cheerful

It was 1979 when Ian Dury penned the famous ‘Reasons to be Cheerful….’ This was the last hit he had with his group the Blockheads. His lyrics were born out of frustration and written in a time of national unrest and turmoil…. This all sounds very familiar eh?

So here are my reasons to be cheerful… make up your own tune!

‘Reasons to be cheerful.’
by Jools Constant; ‘the only comic in the village!’

* The new leader of the free world has great Abs.

Can we get buffer than Barrak Obama during international ‘Let’s Get Buff Week?’ Yes we can!

Barrak is set to be Torso of the Decade. With his handsome grin, buff body and position of extreme power, he will have a queue of Monica Lewinski’s begging him to pay for their dry cleaning.

* You’re now unemployed, but just think of all the extra time you have with your Xbox.

Thanks to rising unemployment, sales of video games are on the up. Another bonus is that MFi has closed…. So with all your new free time, you couldn’t fit that new kitchen, even if you wanted too.

* Sarah Palin is still alive so we still have someone to laugh at now that Bush is probably dead.

The Moose hunting Moose is the main reason her team lost the election. Ms Palin is so stupid, she makes George Bush look like Steven Hawking without the wheelchair! Her knowledge of world geography is based purely on Disney films. If she had ever been elected President she promised her first act would be to hand out free lipstick for all Pit Bulls!

Yet despite all this the right wing extremists think she's the best.... the very same people also have lots of guns and a very limited IQ, lets hope their trigger finger gets twitchy when MRS P is passing by!

* No-one has any idea who is running the Country now, so we don’t know who to blame or moan about anymore.

I’m not even sure which Man is really in charge and I am not remotely interested in new coalition politics. I do know that now the benefits are being slashed, rich people are uncharacteristically grumbling! I don’t really care as long as they keep recycling our rubbish, it has been revealed that cheeky councils all over the country are throwing our tins it into landfill! Throwing away our rubbish – it’s a scandal! I will write a strongly worded letter on recycled paper, and very soon that too will be recycled and my prickly anger may be mopping the bottom of the very ploiticians I disdain!

* Only 123 shopping days until Christmas

Take advantage of the Poundland Sale now! They are still selling the remnants of the Woolworths stock. They have 300 Mona Lisa Jigsaws left. The pick-a-mix stand is completely empty except for the coffee creams and even the ‘Barbara Streisand sings Black Sabbath’ CD box set is still available if you hurry.

Christmas is almost here, it's the best ever reason to pig out on chocolate without the ‘Obese Police’ wagging their chubby little truncheons at us.
Every day we are being told off for eating the wrong things; burgers, chips, pizza, carpet! With Christmas on the way we can fill the trolley full of chocolate without the Check Out Operator hitting the alarm button and having our kids taken away by social services.

* Big brother is over forever! Yes!

Who would have guessed that by shovelling 10 nuerotic oversexed village idiots into one hole the result would be benign dribbling dross of the highest order. The series ran 9 seasons too long me thinks!

* I know times are tough, but you wouldn’t sell you Ferrari and replace it with a wheelbarrow, would you?

Why is Rooney riding a bike when he has enough money for a taxi? Lets take heart, even with all his money, advisors and resource, he can still cock things up just as spectacularly as us mortals

* Michael Douglas isnt too well.

KZJ may soon be single again. Dancing shoes at the ready lads.

* Angelina & Brad haven’t bought any babies this year which means they are becoming more affordable for the rest of us.

Now that they have their Quality Street tin filled with a United Nations calendar of adopted kids, they are turning their attention to old people and the disabled. Apparently they have put in an offer for Cliff Richard and the whole of the England Rugby team.

* Greggs has not gone bankrupt.

You used to be able to guarantee that if a Banker invites you out to eat, it would be an expensive steak washed down with a very exclusive Red. However in these tough financial times he's thinking; ‘Greggs,’ washed down with a bottle of Dandylion & Burdock! However cold the weather, however little money is left in your pocket, a steak pasty & a Chocolate Flake Fancy will always wash away the boyfriend blues. Bankers are quickly tightening their belts as its going to be at least another twelve months before they get anymore multi million pound bonus's from us taxpayers

* The French are still in France.

Bon Bon. When the French Market visited Newport recently they had no-where to park their vans because the Welsh Sheep Farmers blockaded the car park. We had vans stacked up all the way back to Bon Marche.
Some people dislike the French so much they have suggested that we force them as a nation to adopt Russell Brand and Ricky Gervaise.

* I haven’t heard mention of the Ryder Cup for a full three days!

We are considering re-naming Newport; Celtic Manor City, electing Terry Matthews as President and turning the Castle roundabout into a putting green. The river is to be a new Water Hazard and there will be a windmill built at the end of the footbridge for those who fancy a bit of Crazy Golf.

* Cheese and onion crisps.

If there is a God in Heaven, you can guarantee he will have a secret stash of Cheese and Onion under his bed – which makes sense I guess as he probably invented them first. The last supper would not have been the same without a crispy cheese starter.

* Finally, here is the most astonishing news I have ever heard – after last years’ unveiling of Amy Winehouse at Madame Tussauds, they decided to do some tests and they found there were actually less artificial substances in the wax model , than in Amy herself. Shocking but true!

Always remember; Smile, and the world smiles with you. Frown, and the world will think you are constipated!

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