There's an ancient Chinese saying; Wise man say - There is only one thing prettier than a Bournemouth Girl - and that's a Bournemouth Boy!
I spent this weekend in Bournemouth. I had a gig on Saturday night in a club by the pier. It wasn't my best gig, and wasn't even fun. Before the gig, as always, I spent some time watching the crowd (in a non creepy sort of way.) They were a lively energetic bunch, many Hen Nights and Stag Parties and blokes who had spent the day cooling hot heads with icy beer.
When I think that I have the measure of the crowd, I delve into my notebook and select a selection of gags and stories I think will suit the audience. The mistake I made on Saturday night was assuming that a lively crowd was a clever crowd.... oh how far from true that was. Great one-liners that have never ever failed me, suddenly died horrible deaths. Stories which have been honed and perfected, smothered blank faces like damp pastry on cold rhubarb.
I came off stage feeling completely gutted, never in over 130 gigs had I ever had such a bad response.
The headline act for the night did very simple, rude and basic gags (for basic read 'groin and toilet.) His 16 years experience really showed and he worked the audience like a true pro and made the rest of us look like complete beginners. He had clearly met this species before.
The whole experience seemed very indicative of the general difficulties that I have communicating with anyone in Bournemouth. The twilight pavements are pebble-dashed with young and beautiful people, manicured and quaffed with just one thing in mind; Themselves! They have just one goal in life; Money!
Within the first sentence of any conversation, you must mention that your Daddy has a big boat, or that your Maserati cant be with you as its in being gold plated by celebrity artists. If you fail to make it over this hurdle, their eyes will glaze over and they will wander off, mid word, seeking more glamorous prey to bank.
I travel the country from coast to coast conveying mirth and devilment to all types of people from all over the world. I love chatting to new people and have a diverse group of friends. Never in my experience have I met such a collection of two dimensional, empty headed orange tanned ballerinas.
The failure to amuse the audience was completely mine. The failure to to develop into well rounded and interesting individuals is completely theirs!
Before I go on stage in Bournemouth again, I will clear my mind of all intelligent thought and refuse to use any words of more than two syllables... perhaps then, the poor bejewelled invertebrates will laugh their little hollow souls all the way back up their superficial bottoms.
Monday, 12 May 2008
Monday, 21 April 2008
Vote for your pocket
Yet again the Bank of England has stepped in to save financial institutions who have overstretched themselves and now cant pay their bills. Wondering how to vote on May the first??? I have a the answer, a sure method of picking the right candidate..... read on.
For around 8 years now banks have been shoving credit down our throats like an insecure grandmother stuffing her very chubby grandchild with ever more chocolate pudding. With mortgages up to 5 times earnings and credit cards scattered like confetti at the feet of people with neither the income nor the intellect to manage them, its hardly surprising that the financiers are now struggling to pay their bills. They are conveniently blaming the American financial crash on our current situation. It is obvious to anyone with even a profiterole for a brain, that the banks have been playing a dangerous game for too long and their downfall is by their own hand.
I am angry that the banks and other financial institutions have had the free reign to force feed the nation on unsustainable credit. They have done this using clever marketing which focused us all on the ever upward spiral of our house values and a Utopian view that the economy was never going to be anything other than glorious. They have encouraged bad risk in order to increase profit ts and penalised those who pay their bills on time.
I have an Aunt that several years ago inherited some money, around forty thousand pounds. To her and her family, who had always struggled financially, this was a massive amount of money, an amount beyond their wildest dreams. Here was a chance to purchase their council house, pay off some debts and put themselves on a proper stable footing for the future. Instead, they booked extravagant holidays and filled the house with the best Twinkly Tat that QVC could offer. In no time at all the money was spent, the debts were piling up and they were on the beg for family money to bail them out. It was entirely their choice to spend their fortune in the way they did, however, now that they cannot pay their bills they should not be assisted by those who have been careful.
This should be true for the banks also. They ave partied hard and gorged themselves paiying no attention whatsoever to their future financial needs. Like an alcoholic fire eater they have been mixing business with pleasure and swallowing too much of their own nonsense which really isn't fair and should be stopped.
Here's my way of making this whole thing equal again. Find a bill that has been nagging at you for a while, maybe a gas bill, council tax or that overdraft you just cant seem to pay off. Photocopy the bill and pop it in an envelope along with a polite letter and post it to all the major political parties. Whichever one of them pays your bill first, that's the one to vote for. After all, what is a few hundred quid to them to buy your loyalty, when they have promised billions to irresponsible bankers who have given no assurance of future support and no promise of good behaviour.
For around 8 years now banks have been shoving credit down our throats like an insecure grandmother stuffing her very chubby grandchild with ever more chocolate pudding. With mortgages up to 5 times earnings and credit cards scattered like confetti at the feet of people with neither the income nor the intellect to manage them, its hardly surprising that the financiers are now struggling to pay their bills. They are conveniently blaming the American financial crash on our current situation. It is obvious to anyone with even a profiterole for a brain, that the banks have been playing a dangerous game for too long and their downfall is by their own hand.
I am angry that the banks and other financial institutions have had the free reign to force feed the nation on unsustainable credit. They have done this using clever marketing which focused us all on the ever upward spiral of our house values and a Utopian view that the economy was never going to be anything other than glorious. They have encouraged bad risk in order to increase profit ts and penalised those who pay their bills on time.
I have an Aunt that several years ago inherited some money, around forty thousand pounds. To her and her family, who had always struggled financially, this was a massive amount of money, an amount beyond their wildest dreams. Here was a chance to purchase their council house, pay off some debts and put themselves on a proper stable footing for the future. Instead, they booked extravagant holidays and filled the house with the best Twinkly Tat that QVC could offer. In no time at all the money was spent, the debts were piling up and they were on the beg for family money to bail them out. It was entirely their choice to spend their fortune in the way they did, however, now that they cannot pay their bills they should not be assisted by those who have been careful.
This should be true for the banks also. They ave partied hard and gorged themselves paiying no attention whatsoever to their future financial needs. Like an alcoholic fire eater they have been mixing business with pleasure and swallowing too much of their own nonsense which really isn't fair and should be stopped.
Here's my way of making this whole thing equal again. Find a bill that has been nagging at you for a while, maybe a gas bill, council tax or that overdraft you just cant seem to pay off. Photocopy the bill and pop it in an envelope along with a polite letter and post it to all the major political parties. Whichever one of them pays your bill first, that's the one to vote for. After all, what is a few hundred quid to them to buy your loyalty, when they have promised billions to irresponsible bankers who have given no assurance of future support and no promise of good behaviour.
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Smokers are saving the world.
Smoking can actually improve your health, whilst benefitting all around you.
Being forced to smoke outside is also such an unexpected bonus for socialising and networking.
I am a cigar smoker. Holidays and Birthdays its big old Cubans... the rest of the time its little slim Cafe Cremes'.
I have tried to give up several times. If we were still allowed to smoke indoors then I would probably be smoke free by now because the social issues and peer pressure would have extinguished the habit long ago.
The fact that we have been banished like lepers is soooo cool.
Here's why;
1. I have a short attention span and I fidget. Having a regular excuse to walk out on a conversation helps in so many ways.
If the conversation is slow (read boring) it gives you time to re-group your thoughts and start afresh on a new tack.
I also get some exercise and fresh air hence calming my restless limbs.
2. I like meeting new people but I am very shy!
When with the rest of the outcasts, you meet people and have conversations that never otherwise have happened. I have made several new and very cool friends as a result.
3. Economic Benefits;
Old people find it the hardest to give up smoking.
Forcing them out into the cold, with an already weakened immune system and dodgy lungs, hastens their demise and thus reduces the strain on the health service and releases inheritances, houses, and jobs at B&Q onto the next grateful generation.
4. It will catch on;
Once everyone realises the fun us smokers are now having outside, (the flirting, the banter, the camaraderie and the release from meandering emptiness of a conversation cul-de-sac) then everyone will join in and start smoking outside. When this happens the Breweries will move the bar into the street to be closer to the customer. Then every night will be like a great big street party, the whole world will become friends and stress will be a thing of the past.
........and we all live happily ever after....
oh except that global warming thing... I have a solution to that, but it will keep for another day
Being forced to smoke outside is also such an unexpected bonus for socialising and networking.
I am a cigar smoker. Holidays and Birthdays its big old Cubans... the rest of the time its little slim Cafe Cremes'.
I have tried to give up several times. If we were still allowed to smoke indoors then I would probably be smoke free by now because the social issues and peer pressure would have extinguished the habit long ago.
The fact that we have been banished like lepers is soooo cool.
Here's why;
1. I have a short attention span and I fidget. Having a regular excuse to walk out on a conversation helps in so many ways.
If the conversation is slow (read boring) it gives you time to re-group your thoughts and start afresh on a new tack.
I also get some exercise and fresh air hence calming my restless limbs.
2. I like meeting new people but I am very shy!
When with the rest of the outcasts, you meet people and have conversations that never otherwise have happened. I have made several new and very cool friends as a result.
3. Economic Benefits;
Old people find it the hardest to give up smoking.
Forcing them out into the cold, with an already weakened immune system and dodgy lungs, hastens their demise and thus reduces the strain on the health service and releases inheritances, houses, and jobs at B&Q onto the next grateful generation.
4. It will catch on;
Once everyone realises the fun us smokers are now having outside, (the flirting, the banter, the camaraderie and the release from meandering emptiness of a conversation cul-de-sac) then everyone will join in and start smoking outside. When this happens the Breweries will move the bar into the street to be closer to the customer. Then every night will be like a great big street party, the whole world will become friends and stress will be a thing of the past.
........and we all live happily ever after....
oh except that global warming thing... I have a solution to that, but it will keep for another day
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